I Can Haz Sound Check CD 114?

I fuckin’ hate lolcats but I couldn’t find/think of another picture to use.It’s that time again – another £3.60 spent, another Rock Sound CD. Could be in for a treat this month, although I see Trivium are present -urghhh and Nadja, the first band to make me feel like emptying the contents of my stomach into my own lap due to the fucking horrendous, gut-churning cacophony of their album. Although Off With Their Heads seem promising and Burn Down Rome sound absolutely ace and I haven’t heard a note of their music! Also, there will be no mp3 to listen to, due to my computer getting a full upgrade and having lost the necessary programmes I need to complete said task – balls.

Trivium – Kirsute Gomen

No, that gentle string intro isn’t going to fool me Trivium – I know it’s just some half-arsed attempt to make me say “ooh this sounds nice” when really I’m waiting for you unholy tirade of sub-par Metallica-lite rock, that’s about as heavy as Kate Moss on a diet of laxative chocolates. I can’t stop laughing at the truly dreadful backing vocals, which sound like a substitute teacher with severe bronchitis. For the love of Christ, please stop making music.

Amon Amarth – Twilight Of The Thunder God

Throw those metal horns up nice and high people; I want to see a forest of first and little fingers. This sounds like the perfect music for The Lord of the Rings films if they had been directed by Rob Zombie and not pie-munching, B-movie hero, Pete Jackson. I can imagine hordes of orcs clashing with the armies of Aragorn, under the volley of double-bass drum beats, flesh-tearing guitar licks and charcoal black vocals.

Innerpartysystem – This Town Your Grave

The drums on this sound incredibly tinny and synthesised, like they were recorded on some cheap kit and then fed through audacity. Strange. What starts as some reasonably bland throw-away pop rock, morphs into something more desirable via some warped electronic screeches and distorted beats, coupled with ghostly, chanting vocals “this town is your grave, you will never escape!” which has a certain Nine Inch Nails quality.

Dorp – London Out There

There’s a lot about this that sucks. The plodding, dragging nature of this track for one. Their fucking awful band name is another. I mean, ‘Dorp’ what the fuck? It’s nearly derp, which can never be good. It just sounds like a bad combination of sub-par Test Icicles glitchy electro with whatever indie-flavour-of-the-month trying to desperately sound more edgy, due to their music sucking harder than your Nan when she eats eggs.

You Me At Six – Gossip

I like the drumbeats that sound eerily like handclaps. The chorus is pleasant enough, but really it sounds so similar to the endorphin rush that is Atwood, there’s very little to distinguish between You Me At Six and any other happy-clappy pop-punk chart fodder, that sounds like it’s being played and sung by a chorus of foetuses. Also, why do all these vocalists sound the same? You know the one, that painfully earnest American-whine, that sounds like their trying to escape from extra-double maths homework.

Off With Their Heads – Keep Falling Down

As we all know, Dillinger Four are fucking awesome. Obviously Off With Their Heads think that as well, due to them sounding like a gruffer, snottier and angrier version of the Minneapolis quartet. Although the lyrics are slightly jaded, the tune is a classic slice of scuzzy, raw phlegm-filled punk rock that should shit well at home with all the Fat Wreck/Epitaph fans.

Akimbo – Great White Bull

With the type of sound that sounds like someone playing the drums with a couple of sledgehammers, Akimbo certainly pound the skins into dust with this loud, raucous attack. This sounds a bit like Mastodon and the Melvins both trying to cancel each other out in the same recording studio. If you’re searching for phone-book thick slabs of concentrated stoner-metal, then look no further.

Underground Railroad – One More Hit

One for fans of unrefined, feedback-drenched post punk. The echoing vocals are a haunting and often calming wash of sound that detracts nicely from the onslaught of jarring percussion that follows.

Burn Down Rome – XO

Burn Down Rome have obviously been listening to the Hope Conspiracy. The chugging, stark sounding guitars correlate to a certain degree with the Boston 5 piece. Whilst this track lacks the speed you’d normally associate with hardcore, they put in some steadfast groundwork with their rumbling, disenchanted sound.

Amanda Palmer – Leeds United

Amanda Palmer, is one half of the Dresden Dolls and even though I never cared for them much, this track sounds incredible. Her rather cracked, husky voice compliments the rickety, shanty-town style rock in a rather unique way, whilst the blaring horn section is solid gold. It could have come across as ‘wacky cabaret punk’ but it sounds so much more; slotting nicely into something you’d hear backing a famous horror-themed musical.

Bitune – Drain Away

I think Bitune are trying to hard. At first I was expecting some chiptune style electronic-emo boredom, but this is worse I think. Getting those heavy rock bits in place, but ultimately it’s the sound of someone scrapping a barrel. We need more bands that sound like this like we need more economic problems.

The Haunted – Moronic Colossus

This just in; The Haunted are ace, repeat ace. This sounds like the best bits of Give Up The Ghost and tortured hardcore veterans, The Banner, trying to play Orange Goblin songs whilst stoned. This is the kind of thing that will have you banging your head until it detaches itself from your neck and starts rolling around on the floor. Stupidly fast hardcore-meets-metal from former At The Gates members.

SSS – Can’t Burst The Bubble

Short Sharp Shock are certainly what their namesake suggests. With more adrenalin than a berserk-packing space marine, their raging Slapshot/Champion-style hardcore meets Anthrax is refreshing, if not entirely original.

Bleeding Through – Death Anxiety

Man falling off of a cliff.

Nadja – Sandskin

Imagine your worst hangover ever. Now imagine you’ve smelt the very thing that tips you over the edge into saying “hello to god” down the old porcelain phone. That’s what listening to Nadja is like.

Lizard Hips

Junior Vice President of Keep It Fast. In other news: I work in social media, talk about dinosaurs, run a book club and have amazing facial hair. I am also a male man who is still not dead.

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