the horrors fail to freak the house down in astoria

Band – The Horrors
Support – Crystal Castles
Venue – London Astoria (or G-A-Y for short)
Cost of the beer – £3.50 for a bloody can!

Faris Badwan “Most exciting band since the Sex Pistols“….. this is what was thrown at me at all directions when I heard that ghoulish pasty faced-harbingers, The Horrors were going to be performing as part of the NME shockwaves tour. How could I resist? As you may have read from my review of their last album, I thought that even though I wasn’t convinced about the hype they were getting, I still really wanted to see them preform.

After a sack full of delayed trains we sadly missed Mega-Drive electro lovers, Crystal Castles but all this was forgotten by the solid sweaty wall of people all holding their tight trousers and expensive beers in antici…………….pation for the ghoulish 5-piece to slide out from the expensive biscuit filled depths of their dressing room and blast us away.

The lights went off and the the air filled with screams of teenage girl which made The Horrors spring straight onto their instruments. I put one foot in front of the other ready for a grand night of dancing….. But instead there was a slow dribble of loud noise that hummed across the sold out night over a 5 minute period….

Ok maybe they are just “setting the atmosphere?”…

Another 5 minutes passed and still the fart-like noises were humming out, but now with Singer, Faris Badwan “Rotter’ shouting haphazard cries that I am guessing were part of a song.

Then just as I was thinking about how shite this night was going to be, they suddenly kick up the tempo with my favourite track from Strange House named count in fives. The crowd also woke from their hibernation and stamped, kicked and danced to the 3 minute hit. Then as I was in a mid-dance they shuffled back into a slow “improvised” noise session with a sloppy version of Draw Japan.

Like being in the Tate Modern looking at a white wall I felt that I should be understanding and enjoying this display, but they were smelling a little like tripe. Even the mass crowd had turned to stone again and fans around me were shouting about the nice weekend they had going to Whipsnade Zoo. Whipsnade Fucking Zoo?! Everyone should be busting moves until they collapse!

For a while I was amused by the circus themed keyboard player Rhys ‘Spider’ Webb spinning around on the spot like a hypnotized puppy, but after watching this for about 10 minutes while Faris stared at a large rubik cube I was ready to get my coat.

As predicted the last song was gloves but it seemed that everybody including myself was ready to leave….. Which is possibly why The Horrors suddenly left, lights came on and it was time to get my coat.

A lot of sad faces from the true fans (which all had amazing hair may I add) as they only played for 45 minutes and didn’t come back for more..


I like nothing more then eating caviar, riding around in my speedboat and having money fights with all the cash I have..

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